lessons

As I sit here tonight in this hospital room, watching my little girl try to get some rest and reprieve from the pain and nausea, a million things are running through my mind. Mostly that this is not fair and I wish I could go fight some battle somewhere to defeat this thing called cancer ... no matter how brutal it might be, I would fight and die a thousand deaths to win the freedom of my little girl from this terrible thing. Where are the enemy warriors, that I might slay them? Where is the land to be taken, that I might invade it? Where is the king of this thing called cancer, that I might drive a spear through his heart? Where are the secrets of this disease hidden, that I might expose their darkness to a light that will render them in complete subjection.

But, this is not the way it is. And so ... we sit and wait and pray and hope and plead and cry and beg and who knows what else ... hoping that somehow, it will matter ... that it will make a difference. And we are very thankful when we hear of all the others (friends and family) who are likewise interceding on behalf of Amanda. It seems to me that it would only take one prayer for her healing to be answered, and it would be so. One answered prayer, out of the hundreds and thousands that are being prayed ... just one ... and it would be so. Surely, it would seem, out of all the prayers for healing that are being prayed, God would answer at least one. It doesn't have to be mine ... I don't care whose it is. Is there not one?

It is also at times like this that God finds ways to teach us new things, or remind us of previous lessons that have been forgotten. When we soften our hearts in search of God instead of harden our hearts in anger at the circumstances, He has things for us to learn.

• I've learned that dads are not very brave ... not compared to their little girls. My little girl faces her pain and nausea and all the rest with courage and determination. Her dad is a wreck.
  
• I've learned that there should be a kind of prayer that rings into heaven on some kind of important red phone like the President has at the White House. A kind of prayer where God stops whatever He is doing and says to all the hosts of heaven, "Just a sec, I gotta take this one."
• I've learned that a bunch of stuff I used to think mattered, doesn't matter at all.
• I've learned that at times like this, I pour so much of myself into loving my family that I have no energy left for hating my enemies.
• I've learned that some of the real hero's in this town are nurses working the night shift.
• I've learned that I no longer care about what is happening in this world. I only care about what is happening in this room.
• I've learned that I actually hate cancer about 47 times as much as I recalled.
• I've learned that I truly believe cancer is one of those "things" that will perish for eternity in hell .... somehow .... someway .... "something" called cancer will suffer forever.
• I've learned that "Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked."
• I've learned that it is wonderful to hold the hand of my child. She doesn't even have to be awake ... just to hold her hand is a rich blessing.
• I've learned that I wish there was a way God could hold my hand, now. I wonder if Jesus ever held the hand of anyone? I think in heaven, people will hold hands a lot. I've never really cared for touchy-feely stuff like that, but holding the hand of my children is so special, I'm sure we should be doing more of it.
  
• I've learned that there are very few things that are actually urgent ... except perhaps, holding someone's hand.