Denise and Anna met me at the cemetery this afternoon. We were nervous about seeing it for the first time ... in real life, not just on a drawing.
Sometimes there are tears ... sometimes there is such brokenness ... sometimes there is unresolved anger at the whole situation ... sometimes there are feelings of complete loss, and genuine shock at how incredibly vast is the place in the heart of a parent for a child. There is no bottom.
Sometimes I wonder how it is that the world seems to continue on as if no unspeakably dreadful event has even occurred. Cognitively I know that the world must keep spinning, but in my heart I am not always sure why.
Every night I look the world over from the comfort and safety of my home office, tucked away in a far corner of the basement, accessible only through a bedroom or a bathroom, complete with a swivel office chair, foot stool, fans blowing (I like the feeling of air moving around me), and of course, this laptop. And sometimes I think about how Amanda wanted to help children in third-world countries. She had such a heart for them. And so, I start researching online for ways to help, and often come face to face, as it were, with news accounts of many thousands of hurting children in other countries, and images of those children literally starving to death in the arms of their mothers or fathers. It breaks my heart all over again. I think to myself, "God, .... Really!??!"
We are not the first parents to lose a child. We will not be the last. But, in the words of a friend and another father who also lost a child, "It's as hard as it gets." I think of how broken must be those parents in Africa and other places who have to endure such hell on earth ... and I think the worst hell there could possibly be ... for a parent to watch their child starve to death, or die of a disease that could have been prevented with even basic medicine. Maybe someday I will be able to travel to one of those far-away lands and help ... in some way. At this point, I don't know what on earth this one old guy from central Missouri could possibly do of any benefit in those situations, but ... I guess at the very least, the bible says to mourn with those who mourn. I could do that. Also, Amanda didn't spend much time worrying about "what" she would do when she got there .... she just assumed it would be obvious. She is probably right.
15 comments:
Thanks for posting Dad. I appreciate seeing this, when I am so far from home.
Love you, always.
I am praying for you guys. We're here if you want to talk.
Well, I don't know if you can truly call a stone "beautiful" but Amanda did a wonderful job designing it and, for a stone, it is beautiful and so fitting for Amanda Joy. Our hearts continue to ache for you guys and we continue praying that you will find peace someday. But.....I cannot even begin to imagine. Wayne and Faye
We were just talking to David about wondering if the stone was done and set.............it is so beautiful. Our hearts break with sadness reading this blog. We miss her also, but look at all the JOY she brought to others.
Thank you for putting this up! I'm so glad that I get to see it when I'm so far away from CoMo. I'm praying for you all all the time.
~ Madi G.
The others have said it well and I can not add anything. Larry, our Bible study group is studying Experiencing God and in the text book is the story about D.L. Moody whose friend made a statement I have heard you make about "the world has yet to see what one man can do who is completely sold out to Christ." I believe you too are a man like Mr. Moody and have done and will continue to do all you can for the cause of Christ. I pray you will be able to experience "JOY" as you and Denise continue the journey. Elaine
Larry, my heart aches for you. I'm sorry you have had to endure so much... you are in my prayers. Denna Huett
I imagine as you were seeing her stone for the first time, God was trying to hold her still for just a moment to tell her one more thing her life continues to do for the kingdom. She still has a stronger ministry in her absence from this world than many will have that walk in it.
She is still alive, whole and "worming" her way through the streets we all long to see one day. I have not prayed much in the last few years, but I am praying right now that you will get heavenly messages that she is happy, and busy worshiping in her new home while you worship and continue your, and her ministry here.
The stone is as beautiful as the life it commemorates. Larry, our niece, whose name happens to be Amanda Joy and who has been following your journey through this blog, is currently living and working as a nurse in Uganda. Haley, Abbey, and Amanda used to play as very young children. We thought you might enjoy visiting her blog site. She would covet your prayers as she is finding the suffering overwhelming at times as well. You can find her at www.mandiejoy.com . I know she and your beautiful Amanda would have had much in common. You, Denise and the whole family continue to be in our prayers.
We love you all-
Brad and Jeanne Hildebrandt
Just checking in from Iowa, wanting so much to leave you with something to help with your grief...
I sat down to read the paper this morning thinking that first however I should check in on the computer as had become my habit, so that I could know how Amanda and her family were doing, what to pray for...I was waiting for the update you'd recently promised,found your post Larry and it set me in search of a book I've misplaced, but in searching throughout my house to no avail I found two books that seemed to cry out for me to open. I'm trusting that God wanted me to find them and pass the following along:
One is "The Hiding Place", by Corrie Ten Boom. I wondered why this book? but went with it. She certainly knew about suffering, and this is the passage I felt called to send you:
"There are no 'ifs' in God's Kingdom...His timing is perfect. His will is our hiding place. Lord Jesus keep me in your will. Don't let me go mad by poking about outside of it."
The next book is called "A Grief Unveiled", by Gregory Floyd, a father who lost his young son. This book was given to me and I had yet to read it, but perhaps it was meant for "such a time as this..."
There were so many passages in it that jumped at me to send you... I'm settling on the following in trust:
One thing for sure: God does not remove the broken heart all at once and give a new, happy one. I had to be wary of looking for a quick fix. Besides, there is too much He wants to teach me. The healing of the brokenhearted is the ability to acknowledge pain and loss and to trust God in spite of them. Christ through the Holy Spirit was knitting my heart back together. He would go down so deep I could not even feel what He was doing. But He was busy. He went down deeper than the pain. His love is always bigger than pain, though the more we love, the more we suffer. That is the price of love. And although we have paid a price because we have loved, countless others have filled our coffers with the wealth of their own sympathy and kindness..."
Prayers for your healing continue...
Our hearts continue to ache for you all. You are often in our prayers.
Amanda's stone is just right and speaks of such hope..and of course, joy.
Thank you for sharing so openly. We may never have to grieve the loss of a child, but you are teaching us all how to grieve.
Denise's new best friend
Her stone is beautiful. Our children's graves are sacred places!
I think "one old guy in central Missouri" is already doing a great deal to help...the work you do is saving children. There are many times that my heart breaks when I read of children who are discarded, or worse. You take them in and care for them and show them what "family" means. That may be the first time in some of those children's lives that they experienced a loving family. I am so very sorry you lost your Amanda. No parent should have to see their child's grave stone even if it is beautiful. You did everything humanly possible to keep Amanda here on earth. She was loved dearly and cherished her entire life, and because of your teachings and influence, she was unafraid to join her Heavenly Father. Although your heart is broken, you continue to cherish the children who are forgotten. You're saving them. And I'm sure there are many children in central Missouri who love and appreciate the "one old guy in central Missouri". Thank you for all you do.
Larry and Denise, what a beautiful marker. It marks what remains on Earth, but looks to Heaven. I am so touched by Amanda's life. I continue to think of you often. Praying for comfort from God. Jodie
It is truly gorgeous! I'd forgotten Amanda designed it. Realizing that makes me think...gosh, I don't know if I could face death so courageously. Amanda had a truly God-given strength.
Thanks so much for sharing.
I'll stop by for a visit soon.
Andria
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